Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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