allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
