I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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