My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
