something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
