No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
