I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
