The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
