Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
