so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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