I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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