even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
