I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
