The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
