Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
