The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
