i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
