So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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