My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
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