I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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