whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
