Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
