In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
