I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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