I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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