she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
