does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
