Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
And the cops told us we were all naked.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
