Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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