my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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