You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
