Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
