i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
