Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize