My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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