If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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