I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
