that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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