i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
