I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
