look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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