my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
