I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
