Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
