3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
