Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
