It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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