Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize