he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
