The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
