She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
