I have demons in me.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
There r osticjed everywhere
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
