I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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