Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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