I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I need to align my fucking chakras
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
