I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
