you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
