what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
