My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
