I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
