You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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