my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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