can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Randomize
