just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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