I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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